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PARENTING FROM A DISTANCE
In general, children do best when they do not have to adjust to the changes a move entails, especially when the move is long distance. If the parental divorce or separation has occurred recently, many changes have affected the children’s lives already. It is recommended that parents maintain as much consistency as possible following a divorce. Therefore, any move, especially a long distance move, is generally not a good idea. Even years after a divorce, a long distance move is still a difficult adjustment for children. Maintaining a relationship at a distance is exceedingly more difficult for parents as well as children.
Calling regularly (preferably at set times so the children know to expect it) and sending letters helps the children deal with the loss of contact. Sending audio cassettes with the absent parent telling a story to the child, or playing games via computer on the Internet, or discussing a movie or television show you both have seen are some of the activities to help maintain a relationship. The book 101 Ways to be a Long Distance Super Dad is full of creative, workable ideas.
Distance is especially difficult for very young children because of the lack of language and the inability of the infant to keep a memory object in mind for a long period of time. Frequent reminders that the long-distance parent exists and cares about the child are important. Frequent visits are the best way for the child of this age to hold the relationship in mind.
LONG DISTANCE PARENTS WHO HAVE NOT HAD REGULAR CONTACT
A combination of low self-esteem, absence of a clear role, and rejection from the children sometimes leads parents to stop seeing their children altogether, especially when they are far away. A decrease in contact may signal a need for family therapy to re-establish regular contact. Even when finances and distance allow only infrequent contact, it is important to encourage and attempt as much contact as is developmentally appropriate and in the best interest of the children.
When a lack of confidence in parenting contributes to loss of contact with the children, the parent should attend parenting classes, look at a video on parenting, or buy a self-help book on parenting. These skills can be readily learned and will quickly improve with practice. It often helps for the absent parent to arrange to spend time with a friend of the same sex when they both are with their children. In this way, the experienced friend can be an example and a coach for the uncertain parent.
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