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Parallel Parenting
The main components of parallel parenting include the reduction of the need to communicate, no expectation of flexibility and the assumption that each parent has complete responsibility for the children when they are with each parent individually.
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Reducing Communication: Parallel parenting assumes that whenever parents come into contact with each other, sparks are guaranteed to fly. Hopefully, for the children's sake if for no other reason, conflict will eventually be reduced. There are some ways to facilitate better communication. If the other parent, however, is continually controlling in his/her contacts, parallel parenting may need to continue until/if they are able, through counseling or some other process, to effectively give up trying to control the other parent.
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Much of the art of communication lies in the way information is presented. The telling parent must take a moment to consider how the information they plan to convey will be accepted by the other parent. Avoiding "red flag" words and questions that are likely to be heard as blaming are two important considerations. It makes no difference that one parent "didn't mean to convey that" by the word they chose. Communication is composed of both the meaning of the words that are spoken and the understanding of the words that are heard.
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No flexibility. One of the hallmarks of parallel parenting is the inability to change the written parenting plan to accommodate the children - and occasionally the other parent. Parallel parenting assumes that nothing will be accommodated and the other parent will be immediately suspicious if any request is made to modify the parenting time - even for one obvious event. If an inch is given, the implied question becomes, "Now what are you going to give up for me?"
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Since altering the written parenting plan is so emotionally and financially costly when parents are always in court to argue alleged violations, many parents involved in parallel parenting simply give up and follow the schedule, regardless of the effect upon the children. There is no attempt at problem solving because there is no trust between parents. Eventually, the children may resent both parents for their picky, absolutist viewpoints.
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Parenting time is not property to be stingily doled out or hoarded. Rather, parenting time belongs to the children and is seen by the court and by society as being primarily for their benefit.
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Complete Responsibility: When each parent has scheduled parenting time with the children, they are assumed to be in total control of what the children do under parallel parenting assumptions. If a doctor's appointment is scheduled during the other parent's time, it usually will need to be rescheduled, since the other parent will likely not take the child to that doctor on that day. Parents assume nothing, so that they never will be disappointed. There are no assumptions and there is no assistance by the other parent.
Does this sound grim, petty and adult-oriented? Of course, but that is the pattern that often occurs during high-conflict divorces. Until both parents are able to move on from the anger stage and look at their children's needs more than at how they can seek revenge against the other parent, parallel parenting will provide a rigid framework that will help reduce the conflict, while at the same time providing the basics for the children. Nobody said that parallel parenting would be fun, or even in the best interests for the children; but it is better for the children than becoming constantly enmeshed in raging conflict. Parallel parenting creates a calm expectation and avoidance.
As parents eventually move toward the co-parenting end of the continuum - either because their children grow older and drift apart from both parents, or because they ultimately run out of money to pay attorneys and court costs, the focus centers more on the best interests of their children. Hopefully, parents will not take advantage of the other to "win" some transient point and a trust will begin to develop. Some parenting times will occasionally be adjusted, and the parent receiving the benefit of the flexibility will hopefully find some way to return the favor. If one parent starts to badmouth the other parent, they will stop and apologize - and the other will take a deep breath and accept the apology.
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