Center for Dispute Solutions, Inc. (CDSI)

            While many residential mothers and fathers are relieved to be out of an unhappy (and sometimes abusive) marriage, single parenthood brings with it new sources of stress, often leading to harmful consequences for the children. These problems, that be experienced by single residential mothers and fathers, include the following:

• loss in income and attendant need to work (if previously staying at home), greater need for day care, and less time with the children.
• a need to play both mother's and father's roles; loss of an ally with whom to brainstorm about problems, to offer support, and provide confident discipline
• household disorganization and unpredictability caused by less available time and more stress.
• in single-parent-mother homes, boys may experience fewer masculine activities, toys, etc., and less cognitive stimulation.
• few breaks or "time outs" from parenting, and less involvement in social and community life.
• a need to deal with the children's reactions (often rejection) of a single parent's new lover(s) or marriage partner (and perhaps his or her children, as well).
• a loss in the quality of parenting. Children become less compliant, especially to mom; she in turn becomes irritable and overly restrictive. Dads initially tend to be overly permissive. Both parents are less attentive, make fewer demands for mature behaviors, communicate less effectively, are less affectionate, more inconsistent in discipline, and are less in control. Children develop behavior problems as a result, which increases the stress on single parents. Parental guilt over the separation and uncertainty can lead to ineffective discipline and the parent and child may develop a coercive cycle where each tries to force the other to do what they want.

            The challenge for parents often centers on reestablishing power and discipline, particularly if the absent parent was very involved. For nonresidential parents, the struggle is more likely to be about redefining love and intimacy.

            The stresses brought on by single parenting are very real, and lead to depression or anger in many mothers. This in turn has serious consequences for the children. Depression in mothers has been shown to have a decidedly negative effect on their children's psychological adjustment. Furthermore, contrary to popular belief, half of all abusive punishment in America today is committed in single parent homes, usually by mothers and/or their new partners (who typically are not bonded to the children and may easily become frustrated by them). This statistic should give us all reason to be concerned about what single parents must cope with, and to find means to ease these sources of stress.

            Positive single parenting is related to the level of emotional support received from the other parent and agreement between the parents on child-rearing matters. Thus, the parents need to set aside their personal problems, disagreements and anger so that they can calmly discuss matters related to the children. It is important that there be as much consistency as possible between the two homes on what is expected of the children.

            Further, parents must avoid the temptation to "put down" or say negative things about the other parent in front of the children, or to otherwise suggest disapproval of the children's continuing close relationship with the other parent. (Save your expressions of anger for your close friends or therapist!) Children need to feel good about both of their parents. Hearing mean comments made by one parent about the other leads to feelings of confusion about the victimized parent, and anger and resentment against the accuser.

            Many parents find it especially frustrating when their "ex" uses baby sitters, friends, or other relatives to watch the children even though the other parent wants to and is able to take the children. Parents should make much greater use of the other parents for sharing parental responsibilities. Both parents also need to assert their right to a break from full time childcare by insisting that the other parent spend substantial time with the children. The quality of the residential parent's relationship with the children often improves after the "batteries are recharged". The increased contact would be good for the children. It would enable both parents to play a greater and more natural role in parenting. Payment of child support and "extra" contributions are much more likely as a result, particularly for college expenses. The level of cooperation thereby fostered between the parents would reduce the pressure on the residential parent.

            It should also be noted that mental health professionals have considerable success in dealing with both mild and severe forms of depression, as well as with continuing anger. Child and family therapists can greatly assist parents in dealing with child management problems. Take advantage of their expertise. If money is a concern, check your health insurance policy, or contact a community mental health agency for low cost services.

            Similarly, residential parents who would like their ex-spouse to have greater involvement with the children may have some success by consulting a professional, and perhaps eventually involving the other parent in treatment as well. Often such a professional can be persuasive in helping the nonresidential parent to appreciate the importance of continuing to play an active role in their children's lives.

            Single parents who are new to discipline should avoid the temptation to yell and coerce (threaten) to get the child's obedience. Children will initially feel hurt by such an approach, then will yell and coerce back until power struggles are common. Talking, reasoning, and setting clear expectations followed by predictable and logical consequences for disobedience are more effective approaches.

            Another problem for single parents is supervision. The combination of lax supervision and erratic discipline increases negative behavior in children, which can lead to delinquency. It is important to talk to your children about their activities and have them check in regularly, and check in on them. Providing good supervision is especially hard for single parents who have many other responsibilities and no partner to lend a hand.