Center for Dispute Solutions, Inc. (CDSI)

Helping your Children adjust To Changes

Telling Your Children

·        If at all possible, both parents should tell the children together.

·        No age is too young to know about a pending divorce. Children old enough to acknowledge the existence of parents should be told something about the parent's breakup.

·        What children are told depends upon the age and maturity of the children. Each child will have to be told something according to their level of understanding.

·        Do not assess blame. Blaming indirectly asks children to choose sides and to label one parent as good or bad.

·        Explain clearly and directly that the divorce is between the parents. This will help quiet the almost universal fear that if parents can divorce each other, they can also divorce the children. Emphasize that they did not cause the divorce, and, therefore, cannot bring the parents back together. Children will look to themselves for reasons why when they cannot understand what's going on between their parents.

·        Give children some idea of what they may expect in the future. Be realistic and focus on areas of most concern, such as possible changes in their living arrangements or school.

·        Encourage your children to ask questions. (They may have questions for a long time.)

·        Reflect optimism and that you are committed to helping the children's future turn out OK, but at the same time recognize and identify with them about how hard it is right now and that it does feel good at all.